We are back from our trip to Michigan and made it through the funeral for my Aunt Barb. Turns out, Aunt Barb decided to be cremated and so there was no burial procession at the cemetery. Seeing as this was the part I was dreading the most, I was very glad for that.
Thank you to all who prayed!
Our time in Michigan was bittersweet. We had some wonderful time with my Dad and enjoyed a wonderful, cold Saturday together cruising the downtown area, visiting the Planetarium, a street market, a new restaurant, some coffee, the library and then some time at Grandpa & Grandma's house.
This trip was especially hard for me as it was consistently impressed upon my heart that my life in Michigan is a part of my past. It is no longer my present. Cousins that I once held as newborn babies had graduated from high school. Very little was familiar anymore as businesses have come and gone and the town has hit harder times. All of the ladies that were a big part of my growing up years at church are well into their 80's and having a difficult time moving around, seeing, hearing and living. Old friends were too busy with their kids, daily lives and other things to carve out some time to catch up.
I was a stranger. A visitor. It was no longer my home. People talked to me as if I had never lived there and did not know the daily goings on of my own family members.
It was a hard realization to come to. My life in Michigan now revolves simply around visiting my Dad and my grandparents for as long as they are here.
Seeing my Grandpa with the signature bald head that comes from cancer treatments. Having to speak extra loud with all of the people we visited with.
My past is growing older.
I feel a significant sense of loss as to what this all means now. My past was such a big part of who I am and where I came from and now it is simply.. the past.
It is time to simply focus on the here and now and plan a future without my past.
My life is very different now than what it was when I lived in Michigan. 15 years ago I left that life and it is just now that I feel like that life is gone.
It is really hard to let go.
It is time to look forward and determine what God has planned out for the rest of my life and to look wistfully back and say goodbye to the past that is tied up in 5 headstones with more to come in the not so distant future.
This sounds more dismal than it really is. It is a process of letting go of a lot of things. Letting go of grief. Letting go of my Mom. Letting go of my old life. Letting go and letting God fill my life with new memories and new loves.
It is exciting and I know that once I get through this pit of sadness, the excitement will kick in.
I am looking forward to that.
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