2012.
What a strange year.
If I'm going to be honest, this was a tough year for me and I hope to improve upon it in 2013.
The Spiritual struggles I endured this year were beyond anything I thought I would endure. Doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness... thankfully, all met with grace, mercy and love by the One who continues to give me breath in spite of myself.
This year marked the 5-year anniversary. 5 years since the day that I ran into the house and into my parents bedroom, past all of the crying people, past my dad and into the room where my mom lay lifeless. 5 years since I cried out and grabbed her around the shoulders and cried like I have never cried before. 5 years since the beginning of a reality without my Mom. The questions that come from a grief that is born from losing someone that you love so much... they were overwhelming this year. I don't ask why a lot because I know there is no answer that will satisfy. I do ask how. I do ask why at this time. Mostly, I just try to remember and try to bury the pain that is still in my heart.
This year, that pain was turned into fear. I felt the grip of fear wrapping around my life and preventing me from enjoying any memory without the question of "will this be the last...". The anxiety I fought off all year just thinking about the possibility that any moment could be the last moment I kiss my daughter goodnight... the last moment I lay in bed next to my husband... the last phone call I receive from someone.
What it all really boils down to is a sudden inability to separate my grief from my everyday life. How do you combine them without losing something? How do I get rid of the grief without forgetting my Mom? How do I grieve her without fearing that the same thing will happen to Emma or Chris?
This sent my walk with Christ into a tailspin. Add to that a year filled with sticky situations that left me frustrated with Christians in general and the way that we tend to compromise when things we don't like in the Bible become a reality in our life... and it made for one giant mess for me.
It was a year of emotional struggles but it was not without its blessings and triumphs! Emma turned 2 and before I knew it we were having regular conversations all day long and becoming good friends with each other. She became my shopping buddy, my cleaning helper, my sewing inspiration (oh yes, I started sewing again!), my source of joy and encouragement, and a cute as ever toddler.
We had a year filled with lots of new activities, like gymnastics class & piano lessons. We made new friends like Seyrim and Marissa. We spent lots of time with Hudson and Trinity and made a best friend in Hudson. We started Puggles class at church. We are potty training. We fell in love with Thomas the Train and at the end of the year, we began to desire girly clothes and dresses that spin, baby dolls and grocery shopping over cars and the trash trucks. Tomboy to girly-girl! New teeth, our first antibiotic, long hair, independence!
It was a year of figuring out who I am now that I am a Mom and a stay-at-home mom at that. Figuring out how to be a good wife, what it means to be the keeper of my home, tapping into my domestic side and sewing, decorating, cleaning, organizing, preparing. Learning to BE who I am at this moment instead of continually transitioning from what I was.
The challenges that were faced were triumphed by the blessings... and for that, I am thankful.
So come on 2013.
Let's begin to write the pages of our new year.
The same challenges lay ahead and more will come, of that I am sure.
I am ready.
My sewing machine is warmed up. My heart is filling with love for my God. My hope is being slowly renewed. My faith restored. My fears laid down at the feet of Jesus who intercedes on my behalf to the one who abolishes fear.
